Forget-Me-Not

I have met some of the most amazing friends online, but one thing seems to bother me.  It's when they get into a relationship or meet other friends and then suddenly, they have no time for me.  It's all about that special someone or that new friend that evidently is way better than I am.  It really is a blow to my self esteem.  Is it that much of an inconvenience to tweet me or Skype message me or Facebook message me or text and let me know you're still breathing and that I'm still your friend?  I know to most of my online friends I'm just this really nice lady that looks out for them, but I do have feelings too.  I am not someone's friend for anything in return other than their friendship, but sometimes I feel like people only want to be my friend when they need a shoulder to cry on or someone to rant to about this or that.  It would be nice to know that my friends think of me even when they are having a good day. Now this is by no means directed at any particular person.  I just need to get it off my chest.  When you meet that special someone or find a new friend, please don't forget friends, like me, that were there in the beginning.

Holding On

Sometimes holding on is harder than people think.  Holding onto your sanity and your life sometimes seems like it's almost impossible.  At least that's how it seems for me.  I know I have family and friends that love me and care, but sometimes I feel like the world would be a much better place if I wasn't in it.  I think about all the mistakes I've made and all the things I've done and think, "I'm just fucking done".  I don't wanna feel this way but I can't seem to get the thought out of my head sometimes...like tonight.  I don't know why, but I just want to end it all.  I don't see what the point is in sticking around anymore.  I'm laying here trying to think if there is one person at all that would shed a tear if I were gone or even miss me.  How many of my friends are just friends with me because I make them laugh and would move on to someone new the minute I wasn't around anymore?  Perhaps tonight is the night.  Maybe this is the night that I can't hold on anymore, that I can't seem to fight hard enough to overcome the overwhelming depression that I am sinking into.  Tonight I feel like there is just not enough reasons in the world to keep on living.  None of my friends or family understand that depression hurts.  It hurts deep down in your soul and there are times, like tonight, that I just want the pain to stop.  I just want to sleep and NEVER wake up.  Just a few extra pills and all the hurt and pain that I feel would be over.  Maybe then I'd be at peace.  Whatever I decide to do tonight, I want those that ACTUALLY care about me to know that I love them very much.  My friends and family mean the world to me...I just don't know if I can fight anymore.

Reaching Out To Help More People

I've recently been asked to join another blog.  Freedom Requires Wings  They are a group dedicated to helping young LGBTQ people come to grips with their sexuality, come out of the closet and suicide prevention.  As a member of the site, I'll have a hotline that people can contact me with all my links available. I'll be able to be there for more people and hopefully let the world know, one kid at a time, that it's okay to be who you are.  You are loved, accepted and beautiful, no matter who you love.  Everyone should be able to love who they love without judgment, criticism, hate or guilt.  If you are a member of the LGBTQ community, know this...there is nothing wrong with you.  You are not broken, evil or bad in any way.  You are a beautiful person and no one can take that away from you.  Don't give other people the power to make you feel less than or like you don't matter in this world because you do.  You are special and important and if nothing else.....I LOVE YOU.


There again...more ramblings of a fruit fly.

Sometimes It's All A Little Too Much

I call myself the mother of gay kids everywhere, but sometimes being a mom is a lot to handle.  I was contacted by a kid today that was so upset that he was really gonna hurt himself.  He was trying to come to terms with the fact that he's gay and just couldn't reconcile that with all that he was raised to believe.  He remembered everyone saying it was a choice and he didn't wanna be gay.  It took me about 3 hours to make him see that he was born gay and that there was nothing wrong with it.  For a woman suffering severe depression, talking someone else back from the edge of suicide takes a lot out of me.  Don't get me wrong, I love my adopted gay kids online and I would do anything for them, but sometimes...especially when I'm out of my anti-depressants, it makes me somewhat suicidal as well.  Today is a day that I almost said fuck it.  Fuck everything, life is just a bunch of bullshit and I'm not wanting to be around anymore.  I really do wanna die.  Maybe, if I can hold out til tomorrow, I'll feel better.

Love Is Much More!!

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